As you will have noticed have had a break from writing over the last several months. I got to a point where I was so far from the best version of myself I almost didn't recognise myself in the mirror, it was bad. My anxiety hit an all time high and I was struggling in every aspect of my life. My depressive traits were exacerbated, I was struggling to get out of bed. I could feel my self spiralling and I couldn't stop it.
I decided I needed to talk to someone so I reached out to the Cardiac Counselling Clinic at The Australian Centre for Heart Health and the second I made the phone call and spoke to them, I immediately knew I had gone to the right place. The care, understanding and knowledge they have in handling patients with a cardiac history and anything that comes along with that is something I have never experienced. I have been open in my struggle to find the help I needed since I first left the hospital after my surgery 5 years ago, so to talk to someone who immediately knew not only what I was feeling but how to help me felt like the biggest weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
It is confronting and scary to be completely vulnerable to a stranger and to be faced with every fear and worry that is spinning around in your head. I have a lot of un resolved trauma relating to my OHS. I have never spoken to anyone professionally and I have said it before that no matter how well supported you are by the people around you, open heart surgery is an isolating experience and unless they have gone through it, it can be hard to explain to people. But to sit and have someone tell you that what you're feeling is normal and expected after that kind of trauma is so validating. Not only was I reassured that I was not crazy but actually quite sane, it gave me permission to stop fighting those feelings and let them in.
The thing about CHD is that unless you are actively unwell or undergoing treatment, people look at you and assume that you are fine. I can't count how many times people have said to me "your fine now, you don't have CHD anymore" and it irks me EVERY SINGLE time. I was fortunate in that my CHD was able to be repaired and not cause physical side effects however I do still have a bicuspid aortic valve that is being monitored and I live with the thought in the back of my mind that it will potentially need to be replaced sometime in the future. Yet for some reason if I to express any kind of feeling or opinion towards my experience that is anything but positive I'm dramatic 'because 'I'm not sick'. People expect you to just move on with your life and not talk about what happened or what you went through. It's almost as if they have this pre conceived idea of what you should look and act like and if you don't match up to that then your story is irrelevant, they think you're lucky to have survived and to be grateful. I am grateful, everyday that this was caught before it caused a heart attack or stroke. I am not lucky, call it fate, good timing, whatever you want but I am alive because of science, medicine and a great team of doctors. Luck is finding $5 in your pocket when you wash your jeans, luck is not being diagnosed with a life threatening condition, having your chest ripped open and part of your aorta removed.
I am eternally thankful to my doctors for there care of me. But the fact is the treatment of our mental and emotional health after surgery has not caught up to the science and medical procedures that keeps us alive. The trauma is so real and so prominent in my life it has effected everything I have done since. We need to create a place where we can talk openly and honestly about what we have experienced free from judgment and where we can get the help and support we need. I am still working on my mental and emotional health and no where near close to being done working through my trauma but its a journey and I'm glad I'm on it with my little community 🤍
Jess x
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