Why? that dang little word drove me crazy for MONTHS. Why me? why does my heart not function like everyone else's? why is the only way to get better so dang scary? the questions ate at me til I was paralysed with fear. At the time my coping mechanism was to know as little as possible about anything, I knew what I had to know and that was about it. In hindsight that didn't help my recovery coming out the other side, and actually, not knowing what was coming actually added to the anxiety and stress of recovery.
Nearly 3 years down the track and I have slowly but surely gained a lot more understanding of what happened and its not a big deal until I actually think about the fact I have a piece of Dacron lining in my heart 😬 I battled for a long time to come to some sort of peace with what happened, it upended my life for a long time but I know that not knowing, not trying to understand would be so much worse. I still viewed my CHD as a flaw, as weakness and I was determined to not be seen as weak, to show everyone just how strong I could be, even through the sleepless nights, the 3am medications and needles, the Physio forcing me to walk around the hall, thats right, the simple act of walking was near impossible, but still I gritted my teeth and got on with it.
I have slowly over time been able to shift my thinking, instead of why me? now its 'this is part of my story for a reason, how can I use this to help other people. I now have learned that this is a blessing, not a punishment, it doesn’t make me weak it makes pretty damn strong. Please don't think I got there easily or quickly it took years of working on myself and being forced to deal with uncomfortable truths from when I was younger. It hurt, it was uncomfortable and it was confronting, but then again, I had just survived having my chest opened up and my heart being taken apart and out back together again, so hey whats a few tricky conversations right? Thats the thing about my surgery, and if you've read my post "An Open Letter To My CHD" you would know I am actually GRATEFUL for my open heart surgery, I know thats probably the weirdest thing I could of said and I promise I'm not crazy but it has shown me just how strong I am. Every time something tricky comes up I just have to remind my self "you survived open heart surgery" and suddenly everything seems to be back in perspective. It makes all the bad things not seem so bad and honestly even if they are that bad, I know that I can handle anything life throws at me.
Those scars you are bearing, they're not signs of weakness they are proof you are trying, you are living, whats life without a bit of pain right? Those paralysing questions actually turned out to be the best thing to happen to me and what I want to know is why can't we be proud of our scars? why does society tell us they're bad? why are we conditioned to be ashamed of flaws? If we can shift our collective thinking to appreciate our flaws rather than fight them and cover them up I think we would all be happier and more confident in ourselves.
Jess xx
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