The ugly self doubt monster, she is unrelenting and hard to shake off, she pokes her head up at just the wrong moment, I know. But here's the thing about self doubt, you have complete control over how it affects your life. While you can't control the situation you are put in, you do have control over how you handle them (a steep learning curve I have been thrown into many times recently)
You see the thing about society is that when something is different or doesn't line up with what peoples perception it suddenly becomes open season for opinions and judgements, from people who nothing better to do with their time.
When you have a scar and particularly when it is on show, these feelings can be escalated and suddenly you feel like you every single set of eyes in the room on you and it eats away at you until you feel the need to cover it up. Why? why should you be made to cover something up that is part of who you are? that is like having to put a hat on because someone doesn't like your hair colour.
I remember the first time I wore bathers after my surgery, we were on our annual family holiday to the beach and the first thing I asked was is everyone was staring at me. It felt every single person was focussed on my scar when in reality they were completely minding there own business. Self Doubt.
The little gremlin was there and had made her self very comfy.
My blogging is my way of taking the control back of when and how people saw my scar. Sharing your journey on social media is not something that everyone is comfortable with, so its important to find what works for you and what is going to get you through to the other side.
I didn't want to be self conscious about my scar, I mean hello, I survived open heart surgery, I'm a badass! But none the less it was suddenly a burden. It was not something I could manage completely on my own, this combined with crippling panic attacks made it clear to me that my metal state was wreaking havoc with my recovery.
I am not going to sit here and tell you that I have found a magic cure or that I am completely recovered. I'm not. What I am going to tell you is that reading out to someone and getting help was and remains to be the single best thing I have done for my recovery.
I am still battling with my self doubt monster and their is definitely times when she makes her self very known but slowly we are learning to live together.
Jess xx
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