As I sit here writing this, I am blown away at how fast the last two years have gone. I still remember the day I was told about my condition like it was yesterday, every detail, the carpet on the floor, the hallway, the distinct clean smell that lingers in every doctors office. The words that came from my cardiologists mouth are words that I will never ever forget.. "the only way to correct the defect is open heart surgery" it was a moment that felt so surreal, so foreign that I didn't fully grasp what he was saying for quite a few days.
I felt completely out of control, like my life was turning into a horror show and all I could do is sit back and watch it play out. In the weeks that followed, I became like a human pin cushion, blood tests, echo- cardiograms and CT's on my heart and brain (precautionary) were done and surgeons were met. I told the surgeon that I wanted to know as little as possible going in, for no other gain than the simple fact that this was something I could control. The whole process was a complete withdrawal from any sort of control and so the little things became infinitely bigger and more important. In what felt like days (which had actually been 4 months) what I affectionately call 'surgery Wednesday' arrived and I was surprisingly calm , which was odd for many reasons, the least of which being I am the most highly strung person you will probably ever meet. My anaesthesiologist (my personal hero and all-round awesome lady) gave me my pre meds to make me drowsy and unaware (they did not). I was perfectly coherent when I arrived at the operating room and my doctors very quickly fixed that.
Surgery was at 8am Wednesday morning, the next thing I remember is waking up in ICU on Thursday morning with tubes, wires, monitors and nurses. After three days in ICU and just over a week in hospital, total, home was a god send. Then four weeks later I landed back in hospital having more surgery to get ANOTHER chest tube to remove two litres of fluid from my lung. Another five days in hospital. I was a lot more wary and teary the second time round and I still to this day not sure why, my best guess is that I knew what was coming. For any one who has had the pleasure of a chest tube you will know exactly what I mean, for those who haven't, basically it sits between your ribs, you can feel it rubbing and resting against them when you breathe. Its uncomfortable and it majorly restricts your movement.
From then on recovery was smooth sailing and the surgery has done it's job, I am healthy, I am happy, I am alive. It took me a long time to feel like I deserved a place in the heart community, I have always been aware that I am by far not the sickest and I don't have the biggest scars, but, my story is my story it is a part of who I am. The warriors in the heart community are by the best people I know, they have the kindest souls and I only wish I could meet them all in person to tell them that they got me through the last two years.
Two years 🙏🏻
You see the last two years have been like a insanely confusing, challenging and completely rewardingly life changing and I honestly feel like it has me a better version of my self and for that I could not be more grateful. Everyone is on their own journey and I truly believe that having beacons of hope out there for those still fighting is the best and most important thing we can do and I hope as I celebrate 2 years since my surgery that I can now and in the future be one of those beacons of hope and spread a little light in the dark.
Jess xx
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