Ever since I can remember I have struggled socially. Anxiety, shyness and a big lack of self confidence rear their head on an almost daily basis. Particularly throughout my younger years. I mean teenage years are rough at the best of times (high school anyone) but its self confidence that has really got me thinking lately. I was talking with my mum recently (the real MVP) and she said something that really hit me different and got me thinking. She said "I see you talk about your journey and what you want and you seem so sure yourself, what you want, where your going and so together, then I see you and you are so timid and so quick to doubt yourself, I struggle to relate the two." I couldn't get it out of my head, the more I thought about it, the more I started to realise she was right. I have this internal monologue running through my head that is so dfferent to what plays out in my daily life. I have SO many big dreams and plans but self doubt is like "HELLOOO, not today sweetie you couldn't possibly be any good at that, it would never work". It has been there for so long that I almost tune it out, yet it is so ingrained in my mind that I have talked my self out of chasing what sets my soul on fire. So my question is this; Why do we get in our own way, how do we find the inner strength to fight for what we want, why do we let the fear of what other people think stand in our way and how the hell do you shut that inner voice up?
For the longest time I have been an advocate for the 'who cares what other people think' bandwagon but I know that while I whole heartedly believe this, I haven't exactly been living it. I am in fact the definition of fake it til you make it. You see I am flawed, that's not a secret I talk about it all the time on here, hell even my heart was dodgy 😂 but the thing is, it scares the hell out of me. I don't want that to define me. So the thought of shooting for a dream and missing, that's the ultimate fear wrapped up neatly with a bow. Why is it that the second I feel like something is with in my reach I suddenly feel like that scared little girl from school that had the roughest time to the point that it was physically illness inducing. Self doubt, those thoughts, the mental scars, they have such a strangle hold on me. I know this is the case for so many people and it makes me so sad. The world needs your magic it needs your fire go do what makes you the happiest version of your self. Stop the thoughts of let me stop trying, let me give up on what I want, what I know I need. They don't serve you in the long run.
I am such a sensitive person in every aspect of the word, but the downside it is that I feel EVERYTHING whether intended to be hurtful or not (just ask my sisters) but it has meant that over time that hard shell has been slowly worn away and I am exhausted with fighting my own head. Your inner voice is SO powerful, and it's usually the first thing that let's you know what is really making you tick. It is so important to listen to what it is saying, if it isn't good for you, let it go, change the dialogue, make it positive, put affirmations on your wall, be picky about who you surround your self with, what ever it is, it doesn't really matter how you do it but it is so important that you do. What ever you need to change to get where you need to be, do it don't wait for permission, don't feel the need to apologise for looking out for you. It'll be the best thing you will ever do.
I am sure of what I want, I just need to get out of my own damn way and go get it. If I hear one more just be patient, its always gonna be the same you have to fight for it, be unstoppable, be a force of nature and don't ever let anyone tell you to stop. It is a long process and I am not even close to being where I need to be but I am on the journey.
Jess xx
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