Like anyone, my life was chugging along, no drama, no big deal. That was at least until my surgery, I felt like my life had been completely overtaken by doctors appointments and making sure I wasn't doing anything that was putting to much strain on my heart. Then there was recovery and rehab. This led to panic attacks and many other things that you can read about in my "PUMPHEAD" post. After getting through that I felt like for the first time since my surgery my life had finally gotten back on an even keel and I was kicking goals I had planned to a long time ago.
I can go days or even weeks with out thinking about my surgery or my scar. Thats not to say it doesn't play a big part in who I am now, because it does, but it is no longer the mental burden that it used to be.
Recently, I was at an Osteopath and she was working on my neck and shoulders. We were about 5 minutes in when it hit me, my scar was there in the open for her to see and I suddenly felt like it had a big bright neon sign pointing to it. (for those who haven't read my post on my surgery, my scar is on my back rather than my sternum) I had mentioned my surgery to her in passing but hadn't really talked about it.
I felt this need to explain. and justify this, what at the time felt like want ugly mark on my back, and then afterwards immediately felt like I had just given her much more than she bargained for. It hit me that even though I have dealt with a lot of the mental demons of what I went through, there is still an element that controls my thoughts and how I feel about my self.
I sit in quiet moments sometimes and just think "WOW did I really go through that? did I really survive that?" the enormity of it all is still hard for me grasp and I often feel guilty for talking about it because I feel like it is a bigger deal to me than it is to other people.
So tell me, why do we feel guilty about things we have absolutely no control over, and why do we feel the need to hide things that have had such a huge impact on our lives?
Jess xx
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