Hey friends, I'm finally back!
The last 4 months working and travelling through Canada and The USA have been INCREDIBLE! I can't emphasise enough how magically life changing it was.
Todays blog is going to be a little different but bear with me!
Laying in that hospital bed, in pain, not able to move, I was so angry at my body for letting me down, an irrational thought when in fact my body hadn't let me down, it had actually survived and adapted to an amazing capacity for nearly 20 years. This is something I see now, and something I am forever grateful to my body for, but the big picture took a long time to appear for. I spent the first 12 months battling not only the physical side if recovery but also the mental side of recovery. The mental recovery was 10 times harder than the physical for so many reasons, the least of which being the fact that I didn't really know what was happening to me, I couldn't put into words how I was feeling so no-one ever really had an idea what I was trying to explain. Until one day it clicked, I went to rehab and my nurse started talking about 'cardiac blues' and I realised I wasn't crazy, wasn't just overreacting to my situation, it was a real and valid feeling and it needed to be addressed.
Fast forward many many months and therapy sessions later and being told that I essentially had a kind of medical PTSD (a very lose term) and I was slowly but surly coming to terms with my 'new normal', I was becoming less and less paranoid and jumpy at every little niggle in my body and things were very gradually, beginning to even out in my life again, but I still had this nagging feeling that something deeper was going on, something we hadn't though of yet and something that I knew I needed to know more about.
Thats when a post on facebook jumped out at meant because what was written was particularly profound but that the essence behind the seemingly average exterior was that thing, that one thing that I had been searching for. Pumphead. Also known as Post Perfusion Syndrome, pumphead gets its name from the pump used in coronary artery bypass surgery and is a form of postoperative cognitive dysfunction (POCD) different to both PTSD and cardiac blues that alter personalities and/or cause depression Pumphead causes a kind of cognitive impairment including but not limited to; short term memory loss, lack of mental clarity and inability to focus. I have a post dedicated to pumphead if you are curious.
I felt lost, and it gave me the realisation that I wanted more out of my life, I wanted to do more and I couldn't figure out how I was going to do that, until I heard about summer camp. I decided that I was going to go completely outside of my comfort zone and go to Canada for 3 months to work in a summer camp, more specifically, Camp Tamarack in Alberta. I can not even begin to tell you what a crazy, magical and life changing experience it was for me. From the connections with campers, making life long friendships with other camp leaders, to conquering my fear of heights, everyday was a new challenge and everyday brought with it an incredible desire to push my self to find anew part of my self and make a positive impact on someone around me. I can never thank the people involved in this experience enough, I will never be able to put into words how grateful I am to have met these people and I will never be able to describe just how much it changed me for the better.
Leaving camp after 11 weeks was heart breaking it was like leaving home all over again, it was home, those people were now my family and I was heading out on my own to travel for a month by myself, it was another big growth moment (one of many for the 4 months I was away 🙈). Travelling by myself through the US and the Canadian Rockies, ticking of bucket list locations pretty much every day was surreal and gave me the realisation that I am more resilient that I believe and that my CHD journey is not a weakness, it is a part of my story and I will forever be grateful for the path it has set me on.
I can't wait to get started with the next part of my story and I know that wherever that takes me, this trip and these people will always hold a special place in my heart and remain the big turning point in my life after Open Heart Surgery
Jess xx
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