This is at least what I have been trying to tell my soul. I am not the tears, the pain or the scars on my body. The whole heart journey and the feelings that come along with that are extremely complex beasts that I don't pretend to have a handle on. What I do have a handle on, however is what I feel and how I let it effect my life from here on out.
I heard an amazing quote recently that said "our behaviour seems normal, but our hearts aren't in it" and that struck a deep seeded cord in me. Its like you just can't quite put your finger on what isn't right and that can be distressing and confusing. These symptoms present very similar to PTSD and it leaves you feeling like you are going crazy.
One of the biggest worries I had going into my surgery, besides the obvious, was that I was going to become my condition, that people would associate me with my CHD over and above anything else. What I have found though is a big lack of understanding particularly of the mental and emotional aspects. I felt unable to talk about it for a long time because I felt like I was crazy, I felt like I was just overreacting and being hypersensitive when in reality I was struggling with very real and valid feelings.
I have heard people say, "you talk about your CHD so you must be okay with it", I feel like that right there sums up everything. For people looking in that have never experienced CHD and/or Open Heart Surgery, what they don't understand is that though we may be able to talk about it, though we may not have big ugly visible scars, the scars to our mental and emotional well being are very real and sometimes being able to talk is the best way for us to heal. Keeping it bottled up and not talking about how your feeling can actually be more detrimental for your health. This was the moment for me when something clicked, I suddenly realised that in not talking about my thoughts, feelings and worries that I was in fact becoming the one thing I hoped I wouldn't.
The reality is that it is and will remain a very significant part of my life, one that has come with a great cost but there is also a very gratifying side to my heart journey. I have been given what I feel is a unique position to help and support people going through the same thing and struggling with the same thoughts and feelings. It would be remiss of me to not take the opportunity I have been given to reach out to those who don't know where to turn for support. I take further comfort in the way it has changed me. I feel like I am a better version of my self now than I was before and for that I will always thank my journey and where it has led me. It does not make me who I am and certainly does not define me. I have chosen to use it as a stepping stone to a bigger and brighter future.
Jess xx
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